Why Friendships Fade: The Science of Staying Connected & How to Fix It
From Oxytocin to Attachment Theory: Why Friendships Fade and Why it Hurts
It’s always hard to stay in touch. Whether they’re loved ones, friends, or just acquaintances, it always seems like people are drifting away.
Many people encounter this in their daily lives. People come and go, and we often don’t have any control.
Humans evolved to have face-to-face interactions with each other, not text messages or calls. This is why it's so hard to stay connected when you can't meet up.
Over the past few years, I've dealt with this issue in an unhealthy way, blaming myself for not being interested enough in my friends’ lives.
Yet, it's not my fault; things happen, and people drift away.
The Science Behind Attachment
Loneliness activates some of the same brain regions as physical pain.
Humans form emotional bonds for security and survival and as these bonds weaken, they can trigger feelings of anxiety, guilt, or abandonment.
Thousands of years ago, humans lived in small tribes, and physical closeness ensured safety, cooperation, and bonding. Being excluded was dangerous and prevented the passing of your genetics.
We evolved to have social interactions release dopamine and oxytocin, which reinforce human-to-human bonds. Oxytocin, known as the bonding hormone, is released through closeness, including hugs or laughter. During long-distance relationships, these interactions don’t happen, and emotional bonds may weaken over time.
Why Friendships Fade in the Digital Age
Robin Dunbar hypothesized that humans can maintain up to 150 stable relationships. This is known as Dunbar’s Number.
In today’s world, where we may have thousands of connections or followers across multiple social media platforms, hyper-connection causes cognitive overload. This weakens core relationships, even if we don’t mean for them to.
Digital interactions (likes, DMs, and stories) also create an illusion of connection without actually fulfilling neurological needs.
“We drift apart from each other until we are so alone the ache becomes routine.”
― Steven Bruce, Caffeine
Through these mechanisms, relationships slowly drift away, and when this happens, it can be extremely painful. People on both sides may want to reconnect, but assume the other isn’t interested, causing further separation.
How to Reconnect: A Simple Weekly Habit
Here’s a way to maintain strong friendships:
Whenever you miss someone, write their name down
Every week, choose someone from the list to reach out to
Send an email, text message, or call them to catch up on their lives
Try to set up a time to meet up in person
Some other ways are:
Running shared activities (watching a show → watching a show together)
Use the fast friends method to reignite connections (interesting technique to build rapport through vulnerability)
Questions range from “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” to “Do you judge others by higher or lower standards than you judge yourself? Why?”
Share micro-commitments (sending articles, playlists, using BeReal etc.)
Connection takes intention. But a single message can mean everything.
And finally, sometimes it’s important to accept that drift is natural, and that not all relationships are meant to last (buddhism’s idea of impermanence is a great example).
Friends will drift apart, but it doesn’t always have to happen. This week, I want YOU to reach out to a past friend and check in on them. Let me know how it went by commenting or responding to my email :)
glad you're starting this conversation. tech changed everything. still tricky staying connected with high school friends via texts and calls because they're busy with kids, and social connected us again after decades even though we're not really on it...and their kids don't have friends like we did, sitting around the kitchen table drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes with mom...speaking face to face instead of through screens...the world has changed so much in such a short time
this is so sigma